the Madness of Sugar
by Selene08
Summary: This is what happens when Alucard has sugar and Pip decides to mess with him. My first ever crack fic! Co written by crusnik02. Major OOC and lots of weird funny-ness-is-isty. Please read and review! Enjoy! Part 2 coming up soon!
1. Chapter 1

_Lizzie: Hey there everyone! This Fic is just a bit of role-playing that I was doing earlier with my new IM buddy crusnik02! Hope you all like it! Its-_

_Kookie: (Pops out of nowhere) HI! (Looks like a lunatic)_

_Lizzie: (roles eyes) as you can see, she had a bit of sugar earlier_

_Kookie: HAHAHA! A BIT?! Are you kidding me?! I HAD A WHOLE BAG! (Laughs hysterically) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Runs around in a big circle)_

_Lizzie: Yes, yes you did (pats head)_

_Kookie: HELL YES! (Clenches fist)_

_Lizzie: This is just a short Fic about what happens when two girls have a computer and try to manipulate the Hellsing characters for their immense enjoyment. Inspired by Kookie's love of sugar._

_Kookie: PLEASE REVIEW! (Cocks head to the side and looks real cute with big puppy dog eyes)_

_Lizzie: Yes! Yes! (Pulls out a big burlap bag) And if you do, we'll give you Hellsing plushies!_

_Kookie: NO! NOT THE ALUCARD PLUSHIES! MINE! MINE! MINE! They can't have 'em! (Holds them close to me)_

_Lizzie: But what about all the Alucard obsessed fan girls out there? (Opens bag) Look! We have plenty!_

_Kookie: …Hmm…well, you know…we could always…give them Pip plushies..._

_Lizzie: (Maddening glint in eye) NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Kookie: Oh yes (Evil smirk) all of them!_

_Lizzie: NO! NO! NO! MINE! MINE! MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BACK AWAY FROM THE PLUSHIES BITCH! (Snatches plushies from Kookie and hisses) Mine… (Maddening look in eye)_

_Kookie: (Snatches up Alucard plushies from Lizzie) REVIEW! OR SHE'LL KILL ME!_

_Lizzie: Damn straight! And with a wet mackerel too! (Runs after her, brandishing the fish) Save this poor girl by reading and reviewing!_

_Kookie and Lizzie: We don't own anything! Please don't sue us! We're just two hyper girls with a computer! (Bobs heads up and down) Yup!_

_ON WITH THE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Say's some random announcer dude) _

**The Madness of Sugar **

His breathing was heavy and came in ragged gasps as his eyes shifted about him. Hands trembling, a twitch about him, and his body was coming into spasms at irregular intervals. A white residue lay on the corner of his lips as he licked them away hastily. His spindly fingers tangled together and fidgeted with snaps and claps. His left eye in a small twitch.

The No-Life King, Alucard was hoped up on something foreign to him alright.

_Ah…yes, who should my next victim be? _Licking his lips, his eyes shifted around him as he glided just above the floor and to where the soldier's barracks lay. A more than usual insane grin plastered on his face. A look of madness in his eyes.

_I feel…I feel so…I'm not sure! Like I can fly! _His eyes went into a glazed look and a little drool dribbled down the corners of his mouth as he noticed the barracks. _Hmm…yummy! I can smell them from here…yes, such sweet and-_

"Oi! Big Red! What are you doing, soliloquy over there!" Said the throaty French accent of none other than Captain Pip Bernadette of the Wilde Geese.

"BIG RED?! WHERE?!" Shouted Alucard as he whipped about himself, searching for something big and red.

Pip rolled his eyes. "You, you big red monkey."

"AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THERE'S A BIG RED MONKEY IN HERE?!" His crimson eyes were huge as they looked around him in fright. "HELP ME!"

Pip merely slapped himself in the forehead. "Gah, stupid vampires!" Patting himself down he finally came up with a pack of battered cigarettes. "I need a smoke." Clicking his lighter to life he placed the fag into his mouth and took a long pull as he watched Alucard now running in a circle of pure panic.

Grinning mischievously, Pip finally saw his opening. A chance of revenge towards the vampire who had tied his shoelaces under him and made him fall flat on his face in front of the Police Girl. "Oi! Mr. Alucard!"

Stopping, Alucard looked over at Pip with question in his ruby eyes. "What? Can't you see I'm busy running around in panic?"

"Well I guess you don't want to know what I have to say." Shrugging his shoulders he continued. "Fine then, I was merely going to warn you, but if you don't-"

Alucard's head snapped to attention. "Warn me? Warn me about what?!" He demanded.

"Oh nothing, just you do know that there aren't just big red monkeys here. Don't you?" He replied as he tried to hold in his laughter. Alucard merely shook his head from side to side slowly.

"Umm…there are, um…rats! Yes, rats! That's it! Lots and lots of rats! Big ones too! Really big _red _rats."

Alucard's eyes widened.

Pip went on. "Oh yeah! You didn't know?" Pip threw his hands up in mock desperation. "Mon dieu! I can't believe you didn't know about them! And how they haunt the barracks."

The only sound that could be heard for a whole minute was the sound of Alucard's terrified, bloody curdling shriek.

Panic was ablaze now in the barracks as Alucard was running around in blind terror whilst Pip quietly laughed his ass off at the whole spectacle. _Must…find…Master! _Alucard though as he rushed through the shadows of a portal and out from of his Master's door.

"MASTER! MASTER! HELP ME!" His gloved fist pounded on the door sharply as he sank onto the floor in desperation. Integra heard the rapping and was immediately annoyed. _Damn, vampire, _she thought to herself as she set her pen down calmly and went over to the door.

"What is it?!" Integra called from outside of the door.

"Master…! Help…me…!" Came the strangled cry of Alucard. Integra rolled her eyes as her hand came flying out and opened the door.

"What the-" She stopped short upon seeing the Nosferatu looking like a pile of blubbering mush. Whimpering at her feet. "Alucard…?" she asked slowly as her eyes widened in shock when Alucard leapt up. Grabbing her by the front of her suit and pulled her close.

"HELP ME! THE GIANT RED MONKEY AND THE BIG RED RAT ARE GOING TO EAT ME!" Alucard was breathing -which was a first- and it was in heavy strokes as his chest heaved up and down madly. His eyes wide with horror.

The vein in Integra's forehead twitched.

"GET THE HELL OF ME!" Throwing his arms away from her, she pushed him and he hit the wall. Alucard slunk closer next to it and whimpered in the corner like a kicked puppy.

"Wah! Master hit me!" He sniffed as he sucked on his injured hands.

"Damn right I did!" But her eyes softened when she saw how hurt her slave was. "Come here." She ordered but he shook his head.

"Alucard…come on…come here." Said Integra holding out her hand to him as she would a dog. "Come here, boy. Come on." She cooed to him as Alucard sniffed at her hand timidly. She ran a gloved hand through his hair. "There's a good doggy."

Alucard snuggled deeper with his head into her hand. "M-m-Master…?" He asked cautiously.

"Yes, servant?"

"The…the…the…" Alucard stammered and trailed off, looking down.

"What?" Said Integra feeling even more irritated than before. Alucard's head snapped up and his eyes were like bug eyes, huge and filled with irrational terror.

"THEIR GONNA EAT ME!" Integra jumped back in surprise at Alucard's sudden outburst.

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She cried with her arms up in a small shield.

"Master! Master! You have to help me!"

"Okay! Okay!" She said her voice flat and now very annoyed. "Alucard! Explain yourself!"

"W-w-well you see…I was going to the barracks. And I was walking. And I went inside. And I saw Pip. And he said that-" Alucard stopped short and looked at his Master quizzically. "Wait a moment…did you just say yes?"

"Yes, yes I did…got a problem with that?" Alucard shook his head quickly.

"No, no, of course not." And then he grumbled under his breath. "That's a first for that dumb Ice-"

"Today Alucard!" She snapped, the vein in her head twitching.

"Oh right…er, where was I? Oh yes! And I saw Pip. And he said that there was this big red monkey and…and…and these rats…and that they…" Integra stopped listening as the light bulb went off over her head.

"Wait a moment…" She whispered. "Did you just say Pip? As in _Captain Pip Bernadette?_" Alucard nodded.

"Yeah, so?"

Alucard fell back as Integra's hand came slapping right across his face.

"YOU DUMBASS!"

"OWIE! MASTER HIT ME!" Cried Alucard as he curled up in a corner, twitching like crazy.

Integra slapped her forehead. "Of course! Why didn't I realize it sooner…duh!" She rounded on Alucard. "Oh stop being such a big baby."

"Don't hurt me!" Integra rolled her eyes.

"I'm not going to hurt you!" She says just as she smacks him another one. "You big red oaf!"

"BIG RED OAF?! WHERE?!" Cried Alucard, his eyes whipping around. Integra sweat dropped.

Integra smacked him another one. "Dummy!

"Owie! That hurt!"

"Good! I'm glad! You deserve if you dumbass!" Alucard looked up at Integra with big kicked-puppy dog eyes and a trembling lower lip. She rolled her eyes.

"You are truly…" She shook her head, saying in a flat manner. "…A dumbass." She repeated.

With surprising strength, she picked him up in her arms and cradled him. "Now, now, Alucard, no need to be frightened." He cringed.

"DON'T HURT ME!"

"I'm not going to hurt you-HEY GET BACK HERE!" Alucard had just phased from her arms and was now clinging to the ceiling.

He hissed.

"Get away! Big scary lady!" He hissed at her again. "No! Stay away!" He cried as she tried to coax him down.

"Just come down!"  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He cried, now screaming his head of like a banshee. "ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"And just when I was being nice to." Said Integra, eye twitching.

A high pitched girlish scream reverberated off the walls of the manner.

"ALUCARD?!" Exclaimed Integra in shock as she looked around her. Alucard was nowhere in sight now.

"Great, now's he's disappeared." Sighing to herself in defeat she went off in search of finding her pet vampire.

"Alucard…oh Alucard…here kitty, kitty…" she called, whistling a little as she went.

* * *

_Lizzie: (Gasps!) OMG! What's going to happen next?!_

_Kookie: Yeah! What will happen to Alucard next? Will Integra find him?_

_Lizzie: Will she pop that vein in her forehead?_

_Kookie: Are we so hyper and twisted? (Bounces around because of sugar high)_

_Lizzie: Probably, but feel free to review anyways._

_Kookie: YES! YES! Please review! We'll love you forever if you do._

_Lizzie: And yes, we know…out of character…duh…_

_Kookie and Lizzie: SEE YA NEXT CHAPPIE! BYEEEEEEEEEE! (Huggles readers)_


	2. Noticeget over it if you don't like it

ATTENTION! URGENT ATTENTION NOTICE!

Due to a fight I had with crusnik02 just now for reasons I care not to explain. And because I no longer care what happens to this Fic. Or at the moment anything at all so anyone whose reading this can just go to hell if you think I really care. Because I am so livid and so angry and so irritated and so fucking annoyed you don't want to go within a ten mile radius of me right now.

This Fic will most likely no be continued. And if it is, just like with everything else nothing will be published until May Day. Normally I would say something sweet and nice to you all but I'm not feeling all that sweet or nice. So if you don't like it…well you know what to do then. PM me with complaints, flame me, IM me with your nonsense…but be warned if you do any of these things to me I'm looking for a stress reliever right now. And I'd be more than happy to use one of you people as my guinea pig. So goodbye fanfictionians. Its been real.

See you in May! 

-Liz Symonds 


End file.
